|[APPLE]|

APPLE NG KENG EE. STOP. STOP. STOP.

all you need to care about is doing your responsibilities well.
You are a dancer,
you are a student,
a friend,
a son,
a brother,

Do those first before you have the time to get sad about not being able to be someone's lover.

wake up your idea.

you know. you know. YOU KNOW, its not going to happen.

you know you're not her type.

you know she's not impressed by you.

you know she's building her walls around you.

you know.

you know, you are suiting up to go to this battle field alone.

you don't have the blessings of your friends.

you dont have the time for this.

and honestly she rather you didn't felt this way.

SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CRYING AS YOU TYPE THIS.

you know it doesnt have to be like this.

all you have to do is stop.

Stop.

i try.

i will work for your smile.
i just shot myself in the foot didnt i.

posted by Apple Bapok

"To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else’s heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter.

He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell."

-Love in the Time of Cholera

posted by Apple Bapok

"you need to stop this and move on"

Yes. i do. i need to move on. i need to walk away from all of this. but something inside me doesn't want to. it doesn't tie me to it. it doesn't force me to it. i am gravitated to all that is about her. i am gravitated to the simplicity and the beauty and everything about that smile. and she is not on another road, town, house, country. HELL, she's not even on another planet.

She's on another star. Smiling at the planets around her.

and all i can do is watch her smile amidst all the twinkling around her.

i always used to say this as a matter of pride, now i say it as a matter of a rock that is heavy.
it cuts the floors of my shaking heart.
"i have other people at my door, and i ignore them to queue up outside yours."

i used to have a love as strong as that. and it is gone. i used to love with more passion, more conviction, and definitely, more. Now, i feel with a shaky heart. now i admire with worried mind. now i love with a silent smile.

For the first time after Pearlyn, (OMG i just typed her name)
i am feeling this way about someone else.

i was watching a movie with XiaoJunn the other day, in the movie a monk fell in love with a woman. he was not supposed to. and he said he was willing to turn into a stone bridge. that monk sacrificed himself for her, and when he died, she didn't understand. She went to his master, and the Reverend said, that in a scripture before,

阿难对佛祖说：我喜欢上了一女子。
佛祖问阿难：你有多喜欢这女子?

阿难说：我愿化身石桥，受那五百年风吹，五百年日晒，五百年雨淋，只求她从桥上经过。

To me. That is how apt a metaphor for my love life right now.

i must move on. But somewhere inside, in an extremely sick way, she gives me hope. from the ashes of despair i found this twinkle of hope. Me, this fat, ugly, balding me, is actually hoping to be closer to this girl. and since the longest time it hasn't happened for long. this is long. really long. and i'm not saying people should give their hearts to the ones who wait for it. i am saying i must consider how from despairing about being abandoned, i am despairing about the impossibility from incompatibility.

and she gives me hope.

but i should move on. there are others waiting for me?

no. cos i choose to love.

i choose the stone bridge.

i'm sorry devil's advocate. i am an idiot. i am stupid that way.

posted by Apple Bapok

I have been doing my best to run away from this blog.
it hides the darkest and most emotional parts of my thoughts and feelings.

but this time, an event has impacted me enough to begin writing again.
Our Legendary Minister Mentor and first Prime Minister of Singapore, Mr Lee Kuan Yew,
recently suffered the loss of his wife from over half a century of marriage.

it has moved me enough to brush the cobwebs in my heart.

Lately there are alot of people who have been asking me what i think about Mdm Kwa's death
what it means to me is surprisingly of a tender topic.

I have, for the longest time been running away from love and the tender parts of my painful history.

first of all it means to me,
it means the mother of Singapore has left

consider the twin chinese krilin of singapore
and one has stood up and flew to paradise to rest
and her partner sits at the door of Singapore looking at her

it worries me that maybe LKY's turn is coming too?

and the mortality of the Lee dynasty though always present has been conveniently ignored and sidelined

and these are things that remind us to be thankful
thankful for prospperity peace and progress

we are lazy asian faustian subjects
that have grown fat, complaining and conceited.
we take our leadership for granted.

From a social point of view,
maybe the cure is a good dose of bad leadership

On the other hand
Mdm Kwa's death engages the softest parts in my heart.

their love story lead me to want a love story like theirs

i want a partner to match my fieryness
match my ambition
and support my dreams, my fears, my anxiety, and give me a family

i want a partner i can bring to social events and rest well knowing that she would be impressive

i want a wife like Mdm Kwa

i want a love storyof passion, intellect, capability and most inportantly, fierce and silent intimacy

we are not defined by an act
but by the people we choose to surround ourselves with

i think sometimes ppl are like that

and your partner you CHOOSE tells everyone and yourself who you are
and what you want in life

and i wonder if Sinagpore has other Mdm Kwas cos i want one like that too

i want a wife who will in the middle of my ambition, glory and troubles,
stand in the crowded stands and make them all go into slow motion

because i will only see her and feel at peace

i dont know if i can fall in love like that
maybe i did. or thought i did.

so personally these two things

mortality of Lee dyanasty that leads to appreciativeness

and envy and poignant hope when standing in awe of their love story

RIP Mrs Lee.

Thank you for inspiring me.

posted by Apple Bapok

-I had an Amazing dream the other day, first time i had a dream of conscious literary value, like i was evaluating as i dreamt it, i call it
ARIALAND

one day must get down to writing it.

-The other day i did something unexpected, i was talking to steph.
so weird right, but guess i did anyways, and well, i'm glad i did.
She sounds so untainted by exam stress!
anyways. i was envying her for being to go America and dance, and all that jazz,

but i guess she doesn't have it easy either.

being alone overseas is no joke,
i would enjoy it, but at a time when she needs lotsa support,
hmmz, i guess its harder.

guess i can only tell her to enjoy what she can. and dance it all out! haha..

-ARRRGH. Prof Angela gave me a B+ All because my grammar was off! That is like the dumbest thing i could do to myself! like i said to Damien, just have to do better in Exams!

-Thank you Damien for studying with me. really, mugging for Lit is not the same without you.

-OMFG!!!!! i slept the day away!!!!!!!!!!!! and tml i have an exam!!!! this means no sleep for naughty apple tonight!!!!

And apple can do it!!!!! its memory and vomitting time!!!!!

ROARRR.

Why did i just roar.

Canteen Five Uncle says ppl drop hair cos think too much.
maybe i really do think think too much.

on an excess of intellectual processes,
My Plethora of Exam Thoughts

posted by Apple Bapok

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Hi, welcome to my blog, a place i don't visit often, but i know is there. a place i wish i had more time for. and everytime i come, i leave big parts of myself here. so if you want to know more about me, you've come to the right place.. cheers ^-^

{wishlist}

To get first class honours in LIT.

spend time with my mummy.

Fall in love.

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