|[APPLE]|

"you need to stop this and move on"

Yes. i do. i need to move on. i need to walk away from all of this. but something inside me doesn't want to. it doesn't tie me to it. it doesn't force me to it. i am gravitated to all that is about her. i am gravitated to the simplicity and the beauty and everything about that smile. and she is not on another road, town, house, country. HELL, she's not even on another planet.

She's on another star. Smiling at the planets around her.

and all i can do is watch her smile amidst all the twinkling around her.

i always used to say this as a matter of pride, now i say it as a matter of a rock that is heavy.
it cuts the floors of my shaking heart.
"i have other people at my door, and i ignore them to queue up outside yours."

i used to have a love as strong as that. and it is gone. i used to love with more passion, more conviction, and definitely, more. Now, i feel with a shaky heart. now i admire with worried mind. now i love with a silent smile.

For the first time after Pearlyn, (OMG i just typed her name)
i am feeling this way about someone else.

i was watching a movie with XiaoJunn the other day, in the movie a monk fell in love with a woman. he was not supposed to. and he said he was willing to turn into a stone bridge. that monk sacrificed himself for her, and when he died, she didn't understand. She went to his master, and the Reverend said, that in a scripture before,

阿难对佛祖说：我喜欢上了一女子。
佛祖问阿难：你有多喜欢这女子?

阿难说：我愿化身石桥，受那五百年风吹，五百年日晒，五百年雨淋，只求她从桥上经过。

To me. That is how apt a metaphor for my love life right now.

i must move on. But somewhere inside, in an extremely sick way, she gives me hope. from the ashes of despair i found this twinkle of hope. Me, this fat, ugly, balding me, is actually hoping to be closer to this girl. and since the longest time it hasn't happened for long. this is long. really long. and i'm not saying people should give their hearts to the ones who wait for it. i am saying i must consider how from despairing about being abandoned, i am despairing about the impossibility from incompatibility.

and she gives me hope.

but i should move on. there are others waiting for me?

no. cos i choose to love.

i choose the stone bridge.

i'm sorry devil's advocate. i am an idiot. i am stupid that way.

posted by Apple Bapok

{Tagboard}

{profile}

Hi, welcome to my blog, a place i don't visit often, but i know is there. a place i wish i had more time for. and everytime i come, i leave big parts of myself here. so if you want to know more about me, you've come to the right place.. cheers ^-^

{wishlist}

To get first class honours in LIT.

spend time with my mummy.

Fall in love.

{AS OF 150907}